Tired.

I feel tired. I'm half way through my fall break right now and I've failed to do pretty much anything on the long list of work I prepared for myself to prepare for college. And that's because I'm tired. I'm tired of working and I'm tired of trying. Everything just seems so pointless. It might be a little melodramatic of me but if eventually all things fade away what's the point of doing anything. Sure art can inspire and transform people but what's the point. In the end whether you lived as a rich entrepreneur or a janitor everything you obtained in your life, all your works and accomplishments will eventually disappear. All the people you inspired will one day disappear as well. And in the end there's nothing. Maybe that's why I like post-apocalyptic movies so much. I've been watching alot of those lately. It gives me a little solace to know that we don't yet live in a world where there literally is nothing but death and nothingness all around, even if it may seem so sometimes. I've been working hard to achieve my goals in life and I see better times ahead of me. There always coming closer and I know I need only to persevere. I can't wait to go to college and be surrounded by artists and musicians. Maybe then I can find other people like me. Other humans I can actually relate to. Maybe then I'll actually be able to carry on a conversation with someone without a lot of awkward breaks in the talking as I scramble for something to say. There's good chance I'm glamorizing it and putting too high of expectations on that life but for now i'll just believe that i'm not. It's easier that way.

Another thing that haunts my thought process is my "love life". I call that merely for lack of a better term. But as in all other things I feel so lost in it. Over these past fours years of my high school life I've increasingly come to terms with the fact that i'm probably gonna live alone for the rest of my life. I'm just so terrible at relationships. I just have no idea what women want, when they want it, and how they want it. I'm not talking about sex here because I believe in abstinence. What i'm talking about is affection. I just don't understand it. I don't comprehend why people seem to need it. The holding of hands, the kissing and hugging. The touching. When I see other people doing them i feel almost disgusted but even so I still want it. Perhaps it jealousy that causes me to look away. Maybe it's my realization of how socially awkward I actually am. I can speak my mind and tell people what I think rather confidently but when it comes to saying what I want it's just impossible for me. When fantasize about meeting that person that understands me I see us holding hands and never being apart. I see myself no longer feeling like such an outcast or a loner. I imagine what it would be like to have someone I could tell everything to and not fear being judged. Whenever I imagine this faceless girl with her fingers intertwined with mine I think I feel a little happiness in the thought of one day knowing what that empty face looks like. But more than happiness it brings me grief. It brings me sorrow. I know that someone like me can find solace only in his fantasies. I know the chances of someone like me finding the one who completes me can only be a dream. I have far too many holes in my heart. Far too many cancerous tumors to do anyone any good. They spread. They spread like wild fire throughout my spirit. All these doubts I have about everything. They curse and plague me all day and each one. Maybe growing older will bring me a calmer mind but I doubt it. I see the adults that surround me and know it only gets worse for most people. But I still want to have hope. The hope that allows me to believe that maybe when I grow older I'll understand a little more. Maybe when I get older these hormones that rage within me will subside and let me have peace. I'm so tired of them. I'm tired of my teenage hormones manipulating my thoughts and filling my head with things I shouldn't be thinking about and visualizing. I'm tired of the rituals to appease them. I think i read somewhere that a teenage males hormones reach their peak at like 21. If that's true then maybe after that I'll have a little more control over these urges. I'm tired of fighting them.