It's Kind of a Funny Story.

I saw the movie "It's Kind of a Funny Story" yesterday. I liked it. I wouldn't tell anyone cuz they'd probably just think I was trying to get attention or being overly dramatic but I felt like I related with the main character. I don't think I feel stress but in place of that I feel lost. Lost in this world filled with so much space and so little at the same time. But when I was watching that movie it gave me sort of a surreal feeling (if i'm even using that word right). I was no doubt jealous of him. Of the life portrayed in that story. Jealous of the fact that for him things seemed to being working out by the end of the film. He had found a girlfriend whom he could relate with, he was able to open up and speak his thoughts to the people around him. And he found a place where he belongs. Although it made me happy to see his story. I can't help but wonder if life inside a mental institute was being somewhat glamourized. Everyone in their was like such a big happy family. It reminded me of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". The two movies are complete opposites of each other. In Cuckoo the mental ward was filled with power hungry physicians who hardly cared for their patients and manipulated them as they saw fit. But in It's Kind of a Funny Story. All the physicians there were cool people who generally loved their job. I can't help but wonder which portrait is more accurate in this day and age. In It's Kind of a Funny Story my favorite helper was the art instructor. As soon as I saw her I imagined if that's what my future significant other would look like. She had the stereotypical artist look. My favorite scene in the movie was when they were all singing. Everyone just seemed so happy in that sequence and I can't help but wish that such fantasies like that could actually happen. Anyways this blog is pretty much done now i can't think about anymore cohesive thoughts to put here, so to end i'll just say some words that are floating through my mind right now. love, sad, empty, happy, sardonic, complacent, careless, carefree, open, alone, friends, hands, feet, lips, breath, eyes, hugs, fingers, fingernails, skin, hair, soft, feelings, loneliness, loner.

Tired.

I feel tired. I'm half way through my fall break right now and I've failed to do pretty much anything on the long list of work I prepared for myself to prepare for college. And that's because I'm tired. I'm tired of working and I'm tired of trying. Everything just seems so pointless. It might be a little melodramatic of me but if eventually all things fade away what's the point of doing anything. Sure art can inspire and transform people but what's the point. In the end whether you lived as a rich entrepreneur or a janitor everything you obtained in your life, all your works and accomplishments will eventually disappear. All the people you inspired will one day disappear as well. And in the end there's nothing. Maybe that's why I like post-apocalyptic movies so much. I've been watching alot of those lately. It gives me a little solace to know that we don't yet live in a world where there literally is nothing but death and nothingness all around, even if it may seem so sometimes. I've been working hard to achieve my goals in life and I see better times ahead of me. There always coming closer and I know I need only to persevere. I can't wait to go to college and be surrounded by artists and musicians. Maybe then I can find other people like me. Other humans I can actually relate to. Maybe then I'll actually be able to carry on a conversation with someone without a lot of awkward breaks in the talking as I scramble for something to say. There's good chance I'm glamorizing it and putting too high of expectations on that life but for now i'll just believe that i'm not. It's easier that way.

Another thing that haunts my thought process is my "love life". I call that merely for lack of a better term. But as in all other things I feel so lost in it. Over these past fours years of my high school life I've increasingly come to terms with the fact that i'm probably gonna live alone for the rest of my life. I'm just so terrible at relationships. I just have no idea what women want, when they want it, and how they want it. I'm not talking about sex here because I believe in abstinence. What i'm talking about is affection. I just don't understand it. I don't comprehend why people seem to need it. The holding of hands, the kissing and hugging. The touching. When I see other people doing them i feel almost disgusted but even so I still want it. Perhaps it jealousy that causes me to look away. Maybe it's my realization of how socially awkward I actually am. I can speak my mind and tell people what I think rather confidently but when it comes to saying what I want it's just impossible for me. When fantasize about meeting that person that understands me I see us holding hands and never being apart. I see myself no longer feeling like such an outcast or a loner. I imagine what it would be like to have someone I could tell everything to and not fear being judged. Whenever I imagine this faceless girl with her fingers intertwined with mine I think I feel a little happiness in the thought of one day knowing what that empty face looks like. But more than happiness it brings me grief. It brings me sorrow. I know that someone like me can find solace only in his fantasies. I know the chances of someone like me finding the one who completes me can only be a dream. I have far too many holes in my heart. Far too many cancerous tumors to do anyone any good. They spread. They spread like wild fire throughout my spirit. All these doubts I have about everything. They curse and plague me all day and each one. Maybe growing older will bring me a calmer mind but I doubt it. I see the adults that surround me and know it only gets worse for most people. But I still want to have hope. The hope that allows me to believe that maybe when I grow older I'll understand a little more. Maybe when I get older these hormones that rage within me will subside and let me have peace. I'm so tired of them. I'm tired of my teenage hormones manipulating my thoughts and filling my head with things I shouldn't be thinking about and visualizing. I'm tired of the rituals to appease them. I think i read somewhere that a teenage males hormones reach their peak at like 21. If that's true then maybe after that I'll have a little more control over these urges. I'm tired of fighting them.

A rant

Sometimes I feel finished. Often times in my life I try my best not to be too overly dramatic but I frequently find it difficult to distinguish normal behaviours from the ridiculous and unnecessary ones. As i sit here in my room at 2 am in the morning staring down over my carefully laid out yugioh cards I can't help but think of how sad this must look. A 17 year-old male that's playing a highly outdated or perhaps just juvenile card game. But then again maybe i'm just getting normal and abnormal actions mixed up again. I really just try not to think about what is normal or abnormal behaviour but i just don't think that that's human. The truth of the matter is that humans don't like to be alienated. I truly believe that any loner or outcast would say that if he or she could find like-minded or compatible people that they could spend their time with that they would. At least that's what I say. And i know for fact that i'm not on the inside of the circle. Maybe i'm not making sense, maybe i'm just being overly dramatic again. But i don't even want to take the time to discern the difference. I think the minute you assure yourself that you absolutely are not going to do something , that's when you've just dug you're own grave. It's just like what Hank said (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxIL4thb3NA) the more you focus on just winning the game is just more time that you're spending losing. So now that my extremely latent emotions are beginning to subside again. I'm going to get back onto my path of not trying to win the game but just playing it. So until next, thanks for reading.